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Top 5 Nightmares I've Had Leading Up to My Wedding
Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited for my upcoming wedding, which is about, eek, two months away now. However, there's a lot of stuff left to do before then and a lot of things that could possible go wrong. My super AWESOME brain apparently processes this stress by serving me up ridiculous dream scenarios that just stress me out more. My brain is sort of a jerk. Here are some of my favorites.

1. There's a church pot-luck happening where my reception is supposed to be.
Granted, my wedding is not even AT a church; it's a winery. In my dream, though, it seemed perfectly reasonable that the owner of the site had forgotten to tell the church they couldn't use that room on the day of my wedding. They ended up just attending the wedding too - hey, at least they brought their own food!

2. I forgot to book an appointment to get my hair done until five minutes before the wedding.
There I am, about to change into my white dress, and my hair is wet and un-styled. I remembered thinking, "Well, I guess I could just pull it back in a bun, but I really wanted something a little fancier today -� I do actually need to book an appointment. Hopefully I don't end up waiting that long."

3. My dress won't appear unless I imagine it.
Granted, I'm not naked, it's just that I'm wearing, like, sweatpants or something until I think really hard about what my dress is supposed to be and then look in a mirror, and it appears. The upside is that I get to keep changing my mind throughout the ceremony.

4. Our interdenominational officiant is replaced by a Catholic priest.
Mind you, I'm not upset that someone switched my officiant on me at the last minute, I'm scared that the priest is going to realize that I'm not Catholic and that I'm going to mess up the ceremony somehow. I remember crossing myself and thinking, "I�'m glad I already knew how to do that!"

5. I don't know the groom.
I mean, he seems like a very nice fellow. Don't get me wrong. It's just that I think I already picked out a groom, and I'd like to keep that one. Does anyone know what happened to the old groom?

Shannon Corder is a writer living in Los Angeles who has been driven insane with wedding planning. She'll be back again in October, when she's back from her honeymoon..

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		ARIES This month, when the 18-wheeler careens into your lane at 85 miles per hour and sucks your car under the trailer, instantly decapitating your husband and seven children, watch out for stress-eating because there will be tons of funeral food. Talk about carb city.				TAURUS Sometimes you have to accept that you can’t have everything go your way, and you must give up your own wants for the sake of the group. But you still have the power to resent them.
		GEMINI Your dream to become an astronaut will be challenged when it comes to light that Jim Lovell gambled on his own shuttle launches, and intentionally threw the Apollo 13 mission so he could collect on a huge bet.				CANCER If you were a Peanuts character, which one would you be? If you ask me, you’re a classic “Shermie”. Don’t remember him? That’s my point.
		LEO We can learn something new every month if we let ourselves. And this is the month you learn that, because they lack reason, animals cannot give consent.				VIRGO This month you will feel threatened, like the whole world is ganging up on you and putting you on trial for something you didn’t do. But to be fair, how else are we supposed to find out if you’re really a witch?
		LIBRA This month you will feel like you’re stuck in an endless cycle. You need to eat, so you work and work and work for your food, and then it starts all over again the next day. It’s understandable you feel this way, because you are Yogi Bear.				SCORPIO This month, take up a volunteer project. Spend time with the elderly—they could really use the company. When you’re having conversations with them, casually mention the fact that they are going to die soon. It makes it way easier on them if they’re not in denial about it.
		SAGITTARIUS It’s 2012. You’re a year older and a year wiser. Emphasis on “older”. I’m not saying you need to get a TON of work done, but I got a great neck guy if you want his number.				CAPRICORN This month will have you in an enterprising spirit as you will finally stop complaining about doctors and get those gallstones out yourself.
		AQUARIUS Just because you’re a pimp doesn’t mean you can’t be a good manager. That means: get your ho’s regular checkups for STI’s, use words before switchblades, and negotiate a group rate for crack.				PISCES 2012 will be the year you die. Specifically, it will happen in the month of—TO READ THE REST OF THIS HOROSCOPE, PLUS ACCESS TO OUR ENTIRE ARCHIVE, SUBSCRIBE NOW!!! Jim Rowley is writer living in Los Angeles.

by Jim Rowley