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Top Five Ways to Survive Your Day Job
It’s January. The holidays have come and gone. You no longer have 500 distractions to pull your mind away from that single mantra that rings through your being for at least 40 hours a week: “Oh shit, I hate my job.” Maybe you’re serving coffee while earning a chiropractic license. Maybe you’re answering phones at an IT helpline when you’d rather be writing the score to a musical. Or, maybe you’re an assistant to a really, really mean person when all you want from life is to own the very first combination bar and ice cream parlor. Stay strong, grasshopper. It won’t always be like this. In the meantime, here are some ways to entertain yourself by fucking with people.

1. Pretend that every conversation you have with someone is secret code for a spy mission.
“Can I get that in the white, or does it also come in black?” secretly means “Our cover is blown! Do not meet at the rendezvous point!”

2. Listen to Norwegian death metal on Pandora at your desk.
You think this will mess with your productivity but you’d be surprised by all the free time you have when people are afraid to approach you. Besides; who really gives a shit about productivity?

3. Steal one small lava rock from the eco-friendly landscaping outside your building each day.
One rock for every piece of your soul that they’ve etched away, day by day. And, just think; soon you’ll have enough rocks to start your own lava rock store. Financial independence!

4. Sneak onto your co-workers computers and change their desktop photos to graphic photos of medical surgeries.
Imagine when they think they’re going to see kittens in a basket or a nice sunset over the Rocky Mountains and instead, BAM!! Quadruple bypass! Bunion removal! Gender reassignment surgery!

5. Quit, and do what you want instead.
Sometimes subtlety is not the answer.

Shannon Corder is a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles who is writing all of this based on someone else’s experience and totally loves her job (in case anyone from HR asks).

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(January 27, 2012)

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		ARIES Bottling up your emotions always leads to trouble down the road, so this month, let it out! But remember not to get too carried away, like you did lat time. They still haven’t fully reconstructed that prison guard’s face.				TAURUS You will find your trust violated this month when your significant other crosses the line and asks about the availability of your best friend. But, to be fair, your best friend is more attractive than you.
		GEMINI Neptune’s transit will have your life resembling a romantic comedy! Or at least the first third of most romantic comedies when the main character isn’t having sex with anyone.				CANCER Personality quiz! 1) If you could be any animal, what would you be? That's your spirit animal! 2) Is your spirit animal some kind of bird? If yes, you were molested as a child.
		LEO It’s good to take risks. But jeez, don’t take THAT many, Gonhorrea Face.				VIRGO When you’re stressed out, sometimes it’s best to take a step back and stop sweating the small stuff like the fact that about 100 people in developing countries will die each year so that you can have your material comforts. Enjoy that lavender-scented bubble bath!
		LIBRA Don’t dwell on your past, even if that Hague tribunal really wants to.				SCORPIO Saturn’s alignment will leave you in a wistful mood this month. You will find yourself reminiscing about previous accomplishments like your triumphs in high school athletics. But you know what? You’ll never relive those years. Unless you are adept at impersonating a teenager and enroll in a high school again.
		SAGITTARIUS We all have bad days, but that doesn’t mean we’re bad people. Deep down, you’re a good person. (OK, I think he bought it. Tell Alpha Team to fire on my signal, and I'll try to grab the girl before he throws her off the ledge. Move!)				CAPRICORN The job-hunting process is tough. You never want gaps on your resume, but it’s pretty hard to disguise “exotic dancer” as something else.
		AQUARIUS Spirituality expert Laurel Gerhardt says that the key to emotional centered-ness is to be in tune with your body. And she should know -- she teaches Jennifer Aniston yoga.				PISCES We all go through periods where our confidence isn't at its highest, and we decide to crash our car into a concrete berm at 60 mph. This is normal. Jim Rowley is writer living in Los Angeles.

by Jim Rowley