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Shortcuts to Gratitude
In the era of corporate bailouts, global warming, Sarah Palin, and OLD DOGS, we sometimes need to be reminded to be thankful. When life sucks so badly that I feel like a Goth boy who ran out of black nail polish before a big date with his Helena Bonham Carter wannabe girlfriend, here's what pulls me back out of the darkness:

1. Cud
I muse on the cliché that "the grass is always greener on the other side." This conjures an image of morose cows lamenting their existence, forever destined to chew sub-par cud when there's a pasture over a septic tank just beyond the barbed wire. Surely my life is better than the bovine 6th circle of hell; this makes me smile.

2. Eat Toad
I remember my grandmother's weird-encrusted nugget of wisdom: "If you start the day out by eating a toad, nothing worse can befall you." This makes me thankful for modernity's cynicism that rarely involves succulent toad entrails dripping down one's chin.

3. Choo Choo
I sit down with a mug of warm milk and read the story of "The Little Engine That Could". There's something so satisfying about making those ridiculous "chugga-chugga-choo-choo" noises. When he finally reaches the top...and after I cry...I've re-evaluated my life's priorities and am ready to take on the world afresh.

4. Special Effects Escapism
Remember, 2012 is just a movie -- the White House was not bitch-slapped by the USS John F. Kennedy and the fate of human existence doesn't depend on John Cusack's lung capacity. Sadly, Santa Monica is still standing.

5. Hakuna Matata
Two words: "Hakuna Matata." What better de-funkifier is there than a feel-good song and motto that means "no worries"? I can be thankful for the splendiferous musings of a gluttonous warthog and a domineering meerkat -- and their ability to put my life in perspective.

By Brian McCabe, a Clinical Psychology student in Michigan. Read more of Brian's writing at A Tasteful Cliché.

TOP FIVE Hall of Fame

Last week, Lily couldn’t decide what to wear for her big date: the little black dress or the…littler black dress. A tough choice that even multiple friend consultations couldn't determine. Finally dancing to “Beat It” revealed the winner - she could spring her MJ moves better in Little not Slutty-Skimpy. It was a successful choice until mid-makeout under the stars, a bird dropped his own milky-way right onto Lily's hem. Her date found it hilarious, and so did she, but she still had a personal vendetta against the flying creatures. She would get her revenge soon. It was almost Thanksgiving. The drumstick would taste especially delicious this year.

TURKEY TALK

by Jen Leavey

ON THE RED CARPET
Bruiser doesn’t care what you think--they’re paying him to wear blue, so he wears blue.
Submitted by Allie Brown

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YO, MEMBERS
(November 21, 2009)

* Lily Does (ONLINE) Dating: This Is Not Facebook, Folks by Jen Leavey

* Gobble, Gobble! Thanksgiving videos NOW available!

* Last Week's TOP FIVE: Ways to Hail Jiff

* ARIES: Humiliation is the best motivation there is. More 'scopes available NOW!


		ARIES You finally work up the motivation to go for a nice jog, and are nearly trampled by a blind man running with his cane. At first you’re angry, but then realize a blind guy totally owned you. Humiliation is the best motivation there is.				TAURUS On Thursday you head to your favorite dive bar, only to discover that it’s amateur burlesque night and there is absolutely no screening process. We won’t go into gory detail here, but let it suffice to say that you should not go back. Or ever attempt burlesque again ;)
		GEMINI Skip the sushi on Wednesday night. Trust us.				CANCER Saturday morning you find yourself doing the walk of shame from a hookup with that hottie down the block. Unfortunately, you discover that your priest lives two houses down. And he wakes up early. Consider this informal confession.
		LEO As a thank you for the invitation to a recent movers 'n shakers event, you send your boss an e-mail offering to make him some brownies. He responds asking if these are “special brownies.” You’re weirded out, but at least you know it’s okay to be “sick” when 4/20 rolls around.				VIRGO If Lady Gaga’s video for “Bad Romance” is giving you more nightmares than that time you saw the EXCORCIST when you were ten, you are not alone, Virgo. You are not alone.
		LIBRA Mid-steamy makeout session, you accidentally call your partner 'Edward.' TWILIGHT is like any other addiction, Libra, you know it’s a problem when it begins to interfere with day-to-day activities.				SCORPIO Re-think the argyle sweater on Thursday.
		SAGITTARIUS After a marathon of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, ALADDIN and MULAN, you’re starting to understand why you’ve developed impossible expectations about love. You might be running into a lot of villains, but hang in there Sag, we know prince charming is out there.				CAPRICORN To prepare for the Thanksgiving feast you’re hosting, you’ve been watching the Food Network like it’s your job. Just beware, Capricorn: No matter how healthy Paula Deen claims her green beans might be, two pounds of butter negates all vegetableness.
		AQUARIUS You finally go home with that hot tour guide from the planetarium, only to discover he’s got those old school glow-in-the-dark stars all over his ceiling and walls. Maybe it’s a little weird, but isn’t it also romantic?				PISCES Duck!

by Jessica Abels