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![]() | ARIES When someone disagrees with you, it can sting. Don't worry. That's just your usual inability to handle emotions. | ![]() | TAURUS You're in a rut. Why not try something new, like a religion? There's a lot of religions out there...Islam, Unitarian, the Asia ones. Be choosy! | ||||
![]() | GEMINI Things are stable at the office. You can probably half-ass it for a while longer. | ![]() | CANCER Unemployment is tough in many ways, but remember: ours is a declining super power, and the government can't create enough jobs for everybody. So there's nothing wrong with YOU, per se. | ||||
![]() | LEO Ironically, older people tend to be more open-minded than younger people. Advise your lawyers to put a lot of oldies on your jury. | ![]() | VIRGO What did we tell you about guys named Joel? Did you listen? | ||||
![]() | LIBRA You've worked hard. Splurge on yourself for once. Maybe a new household appliance, like a Keurig one-cup coffee maker? It makes hot cocoa! | ![]() | SCORPIO August will is a promising month for love, and you shouldn't be afraid to take chances. Look for a less-than-promising month at work, as you will cause a catastrophe that will haunt you for the rest of your life. | ||||
![]() | SAGITTARIUS Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint... and you can see the finish line on this one. | ![]() | CAPRICORN Congratulations! Your birthday wish from three years ago just came true: Steven Tyler IS the new judge on AMERICAN IDOL! Feel the Sweet Emotions, baby. | ||||
![]() | AQUARIUS Get out of the house and enjoy the sunlight! It's been six years. | ![]() | PISCES Your horoscope is very unclear this month. Part of it said "vehicular homicide;" we won't know for sure for like a week. Sorry, this doesn't usually happen. | ||||