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TOP FIVE ESSENTIALS TO PACK FOR BURNING MAN
Burning man is happening right now in the Black Rock Desert of Nevada. A city of 48,000 people has been created out of nothing. If you hurry, you can join them! But don’t just hop in the car with a few bottles of water and an ocarina. With temperatures ranging from 40 to100 degrees in 24 hours, no food or water for sale, and a bunch of loud hippies dancing, singing, and lighting shit on fire all night long, you’d better have a solid packing strategy. Here are the top five “must haves” for your first Burning Man experience:

1. 100 Handmade Hemp Ankle Bracelets
Just in case you forget something else, you can “gift” them to someone and hope that they want to “gift” you back a few gallons of water, some sunscreen, or a band-aid. Other possible gifts for your new 48,000 BFFs: a poem written on a plastic whistle, glow-in-the-dark cinnamon toothpicks, or a flask made from a rubber chicken.

2. Massage Oil
‘Cause if the ankle bracelets and chicken flasks really make you a special kind of new friend, you might wanna bring a few of these too.

3. Sandstorm-Proof Nipple Stickers
Trust me, when the wind starts blowing at 75 mph, you don’t want the only thing between you and the elements to be glow-in-the-dark body paint.

4. A Significant Other Homing Device
Tell your lover you bought them the reusable water bottle with the “Meat is Murder” slogan on it because you love them and Gaia, the Earth Goddess. Don’t tell them you’ve implanted a GPS chip in the base that will let you know where he is at all times, and immediately alert you if he stumbles into this theme camp.

5. A 20-Foot-Tall Sculpture of a Uterus
You will be SO embarrassed if you show up at Burning Man without a giant art installation. Yours will be made from screenplay rejection letter papier-mâché and have a cutaway so that viewers can gaze at you inside the giant womb where from midnight until two a.m. every day, you read aloud, alternating between Mein Kampf and The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

Shannon Corder is a writer living in LA, who believes that this column is a form of radical self-expression.

TOP FIVE Hall of Fame!

Abby’s post-Labor Day barbecue bash was undoubtedly one of the best parties of the season. Every guest was all too happy to spend the holiday weekend celebrating doing absolutely nothing. Abby provided retro drinks, great music, good food, and the best party hosting skills around. She could segue out of a dead conversation better than Justin Bieber could make a teenage girl scream, and she could diffuse a brewing fight quicker than Angelina Jolie could adopt a child.

BUZZKILLS

by Jen Leavey

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(September 6, 2010)

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		ARIES When someone disagrees with you, it can sting. Don't worry. That's just your usual inability to handle emotions.				TAURUS You're in a rut. Why not try something new, like a religion? There's a lot of religions out there...Islam, Unitarian, the Asia ones. Be choosy!
		GEMINI Things are stable at the office. You can probably half-ass it for a while longer.				CANCER Unemployment is tough in many ways, but remember: ours is a declining super power, and the government can't create enough jobs for everybody. So there's nothing wrong with YOU, per se.
		LEO Ironically, older people tend to be more open-minded than younger people. Advise your lawyers to put a lot of oldies on your jury.				VIRGO What did we tell you about guys named Joel? Did you listen?
		LIBRA You've worked hard. Splurge on yourself for once. Maybe a new household appliance, like a Keurig one-cup coffee maker? It makes hot cocoa!				SCORPIO August will is a promising month for love, and you shouldn't be afraid to take chances. Look for a less-than-promising month at work, as you will cause a catastrophe that will haunt you for the rest of your life.
		SAGITTARIUS Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint... and you can see the finish line on this one.				CAPRICORN Congratulations! Your birthday wish from three years ago just came true: Steven Tyler IS the new judge on AMERICAN IDOL! Feel the Sweet Emotions, baby.
		AQUARIUS Get out of the house and enjoy the sunlight! It's been six years.				PISCES Your horoscope is very unclear this month. Part of it said "vehicular homicide;" we won't know for sure for like a week. Sorry, this doesn't usually happen.

by Jim Rowley