Top Five Reasons the Phrase
Professionals!” on my Shampoo Makes Me Suspicious
Every morning, I’m angered by my shampoo bottle. (Well, unless it’s a Tuesday or a Saturday, which are dandruff shampoo days --- that’s a different bottle.) I know that slogans and taglines are intentionally vague so no one can call the company on their crap if our whites don’t exactly shine or we really don’t feel regular again. But this proclamation: “Used by Professionals!” especially irritates me. You wanna know why? I’ll tell ya why.
1. Used by professional ...what?
Professional truck drivers? Con artists? Hot-dog eating contest winners? The shampoo company wants these words to conjure up gay Robbie, the man who sort of judges me but who I keep going to because he does great highlights, BUT this phrase doesn’t explicitly say “professional hair stylists.”
2. What are the professionals “using” the shampoo for?
A beef marinade? Shoe polish? Suppository lubricant? See! They leave it wide open for me to imagine something quite unglamorous that I don’t want associated with my hair.
3. It doesn’t say professionals *like* it.
For all I know, someone is keeping a staff of Vidal Sassoon graduates chained in his basement, forcing them to repeatedly wash the hair of political prisoners to get them to share state secrets. It’s torture for them to use the shampoo, but they have no other choice.
4. Because we all know that “professional” is a euphemism for “hooker.”
If I wanted hooker hair, I’d just use aqua net. That’s what I bought it for.
5. Because it’s a cheap shampoo, damn it, and pretending otherwise just makes me wish I had a better shampoo.
Shannon Corder is a “professional” writer living in LA who is glad her college critical thinking skills have finally paid off.
Back - TOPFIVE Hall of Fame