Top Five Ways to Survive Your Day Job
It’s January. The holidays have come and gone. You no longer have 500 distractions to pull your mind away from that single mantra that rings through your being for at least 40 hours a week: “Oh shit, I hate my job.” Maybe you’re serving coffee while earning a chiropractic license. Maybe you’re answering phones at an IT helpline when you’d rather be writing the score to a musical. Or, maybe you’re an assistant to a really, really mean person when all you want from life is to own the very first combination bar and ice cream parlor. Stay strong, grasshopper. It won’t always be like this. In the meantime, here are some ways to entertain yourself by fucking with people.
1. Pretend that every conversation you have with someone is secret code for a spy mission.
“Can I get that in the white, or does it also come in black?” secretly means “Our cover is blown! Do not meet at the rendezvous point!”
2. Listen to Norwegian death metal on Pandora at your desk.
You think this will mess with your productivity but you’d be surprised by all the free time you have when people are afraid to approach you. Besides; who really gives a shit about productivity?
3. Steal one small lava rock from the eco-friendly landscaping outside your building each day.
One rock for every piece of your soul that they’ve etched away, day by day. And, just think; soon you’ll have enough rocks to start your own lava rock store. Financial independence!
4. Sneak onto your co-workers computers and change their desktop photos to graphic photos of medical surgeries.
Imagine when they think they’re going to see kittens in a basket or a nice sunset over the Rocky Mountains and instead, BAM!! Quadruple bypass! Bunion removal! Gender reassignment surgery!
5. Quit, and do what you want instead.
Sometimes subtlety is not the answer.
Shannon Corder is a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles who is writing all of this based on someone else’s experience and totally loves her job (in case anyone from HR asks).
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