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TOP FIVE
Tips for Child Safety
Another of November's fabulously bizarre month-long celebrations is Child Safety Month. We won't read too much into this by questioning why one needs to celebrate this with an asterisk or think about the implication of child safety being thought about for only 30 days of the year. No. Instead, we'll focus on a few ways that you can ensure the safety of a few more children in the world:
1. Handcuff the Brat
Have a climber on your hands but live in a high-rise? Handcuff the little brat upside down by his ankle on the balcony's railing for a few hours. You'll never need to worry about him getting too close to a ledge again.
2. Drano
Worried about the little ones drinking the chemicals from beneath the sink? Do what my father did when he didn't want me to take up smoking: have them drink and drink your drain cleaner brand of choice until he throws up. You'll never have to worry about the kids picking up that nasty habit...or having hair balls clogging up their GI tract.
3. Brainwash
Worried about curious little fingers going into electrical outlets? Make a home movie starring a finger inching toward an open outlet. Play a loud, scary noise, and in the next frame, show a fluffy stuffed animal rabbit exploding into a thousand beautifully flaming pieces of fur, pellets, and beady glass eyes. Assuming your child doesn't like seeing the decimation of cuddly animals, you won't have to worry about burnt cocktail wiener fingers any time soon.
4. Tattoo
Worried about your child being abducted by sexual predators? (Well, first of all, it's not very likely that a sexual predator will find your ugly little booger-eater attractive enough to molest, but on the off-chance that one does...) Here's a surefire pederast repellant: tattoo "I lost my virginity at Club Med Tijuana...but found my puberty!" on Johnny's forehead.
5. Red Hot Babes
Worried about baby Jane starting fires? Fires won't be an issue once you let her in on a little secret: an angel gets AIDS every time she plays Firestarter.
By Brian McCabe, a Clinical Psychology student in Michigan. Read more of Brian's writing at A Tasteful Cliché .
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