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TOP FIVE
Inappropriate Behaviors on Thanksgiving
Top Five Inappropriate Behaviors on Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I know of no better way to celebrate how thankful we are for our families than to test the bounds of love through inappropriate behavior. Thanksgiving has
a long-standing tradition of being an outlet for blurting out outlandish and overly-personal announcements...and who's to stand in the way of tradition. Here are 5 ways that you can take part in this tradition:
1. Black Friday
Exclaim that you plan to go out shopping for discounted babies on Black Friday. You and your lesbian partner always wanted a baby to share your love, nurture, and support, but with the economy being in the dumps, it's just prudent to get ones on clearance.
2. Tell-All Bestseller
Announce that you just received book options on your tell-all memoirs. Explain that your book is funny like David Sedaris' but it's all true...and the family isn't painted in as good of a light as his.
Reassure them that the deepest, darkest secrets are saved for the middle chapters, where no one is sure to read them.
3. Murderers, All of You!
Extoll the virtues of being a militant vegan. Explain, in as belligerent a way as possible, how you won't ever eat meat again...and you can't sit idly by as others massacre and gorge themselves on the carcasses of the Animal Kingdom.
4. Welcome to the Coven
Brag about your recent ascension to high priestess in your coven. You worked so hard for this dream to be realized and you are simply ecstatic. Share with your family the ceremonial Blood of the Slaughtered Calf that you drank to seal the pact with the Spirit.
With a polite smile, remind everyone at the table that if they don't also drink it, they will be forever cursed with hemorrhoids and Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
5. Nude Bird
Shuffle uncomfortably in your seat and pull at your clothes as though your stifled, suffocating, and overheated. When your charade rises to its climax, pull off all of your clothes and announce that, last summer, you had a seemingly-interminable case of crabs. This led you on a path of self-discovery. The only true path in life is naturalism--the nudist lifestyle. Get Grandma Mazie to get in on the fun to the horror of your mother.
By Brian McCabe, a Clinical Psychology student in Michigan. Read more of Brian's writing at A Tasteful Cliché.
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